Illness & Anger: 3 Steps to Avoid the Spiritual Pitfalls
by Lisa Copen
"When I was finally diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis I was so relieved," shares Leesa. "Despite knowing I had a long road ahead of me, just having it be acknowledged as a real illness and not all 'in my head' was encouraging. But a few months later I realized my temper was showing itself when it would not have before. I was angry. Angry that I was going to have to deal with illness as a young adult, while all my friends still seem to have carefree attitude about life."
Many people are familiar with the book "On Death and Dying," written by a well-known doctor in Switzerland, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The book explains how people deal with any kind of loss, but especially that which they face when coping with an illness. It includes a description of the cycle of emotional stages that people go through in dealing with loss. Anger is the third stage, following the stages of shock and denial.
When we discover that we have a chronic illness, meaning an illness we will likely have for the rest of our lives, anger is a natural reaction. So many hopes and dreams seem to be taken from us.
Admitting that we have deep emotions about the losses is part of the mourning process. The stages of the grief process differ for each person and how much time is spent there. You may find you breezed through the anger phase the first year for illness, but the second year when you lose another ability, you are angry for months.
Krista, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome, says, "I know that my anger stages come and go. I have been angry at doctors, at God, myself, my church, even my husband and daughter and other family members."
One thing is certain: anger should come. If it has not, you may want to take a closer look at why.
"It is my observation," says Linda Noble Topf, author of "You are Not Your Illness", "that the absence of anger in the face of a serious illness suggests that we have already withdrawn from life, that we have relinquished our passion for living, that we are resigned and emotionally numb."
If you're a Christian, you may be told that you should never get angry, you just need to have more faith. As believers, we are often taught the emotions of anger are not "allowed" or justified. You may have been raised to believe:
* If I truly have faith in God and trust that He knows best, then I shouldn't get angry about my circumstances. Doesn't anger signify a lack of faith?
* If I reveal to other Christians that I am angry about my situation, won't they think I am weak in my walk with God?
* I know the Bible says, "wise men shouldn't anger." So how can I be my real self with the Lord?
* I know that anger leads to bitterness. So if I don't acknowledge these feelings I will be a "better Christian" and I won't ever become bitter about life.
None of these feelings are unusual, yet they keep us from dealing with the grief that we are going through because of our loss of health and lifestyle.
Here are a few tips to help guide you through the process of dealing with your anger:
1. If you are angry, acknowledge that these feelings exist. Then get on with life!
If you insist on ignoring your emotions, believing that in the end you will be a spiritually healthier person for it, you are wrong. Topf advises, "Think of anger as a resource that you can learn to harness and refine for your own benefit." If you can learn to recognize your anger, it will help you reclaim your authentic identity. Faking it won't take you through this.
The Bible explains how Job got angry about the events in his life and cursed the day of his birth. He said, "Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?" (Job 6:13). In the end though, God blessed Job in many ways and Job told the Lord, "Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful to know" (Job 42:3b). Through his feelings of anger and frustration, character and understanding were built.
2. Feeling angry is okay.
God designed our whole being and that includes the ability to feel anger. Even the Bible provides specific examples when God became angry. What does the Bible tell us about how to handle our angry emotions?
* "For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:20).
* "Wise men turn away anger" (Proverbs 29:8b).
* "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).
It is no secret that God designed us with anger as part of our natural human response to negative circumstances. Some people may remind us that it takes anger to make positive changes. For example, the acronym "MADD" explains rather well the emotions behind Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. Topf writes, "We discover that anger is first and foremost a demand for change." It's true, amazing changes have occurred in history because of anger, such as the civil rights laws. Having an "I'm-not
going-to-take- it-any-more-attitude" can create positive changes. It is when anger takes over a life that we are in danger.
In Amos 1:11 God says, "I will not turn back my wrath ... because his anger raged continually." God is not upset with the fact that we have justifiable feelings of anger, but because they can become continuous feelings that we insist on acting upon. The Lord calls us to refocus on Him and to use our anger to make positive changes that will ultimately bring Him glory.
3. Walk alongside God and He will walk with you through the anger.
In the Bible, David experienced this promise and wrote, "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me" (Psalm 138:7). God is always waiting for you to stretch out your hand to Him, especially when in anger reigns. He will protect you from using it unwisely.
"I'm still dealing with anger toward this illness, after two years diagnosed, and eight years of being sick," shares Peggy, who lives with fibromyalgia. "Each time a new realization hits me about my limitations, I experience anger. And yet, I know that God has a plan for my life that is perfect. I still battle the angry feelings, which rage inside, every time I have to say no to something I would like to do. I pray and
expect His perfect grace and that He will become slow to anger, counting on the scripture, 'The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love'" (Psalm 103:8).
Anger is an emotion we will all encounter for the rest of our lives. Perhaps the simplest of advice is a scripture that I quote in my book, Why Can't I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why, when I go through the mixed bag of emotions, especially anger and bitterness. It is Hosea 7:13b-14 in which God says, "I long to redeem [you] but. . . [you] do not cry out to Me from [your] hearts, but wait upon [your] beds." Instead of curling up in bed wailing "Why me?" pour our your heart to the Lord and simply ask Him for help.
