Conflicted Lymie
by Jennifer Allton
http://jmgarnet76.blogspot.com
Most people wouldn't even realize that I have Lyme Disease unless I told them. It is hard for them to fathom that a PICC line was sustaining my life a year ago. My life appears normal in 2010. God helped me when the quality of my life was null of fun and normalcy. He gave me the strength to put one foot in front of the other to not only fight for myself, but for others with Lyme Disease. He put people in my path that had a hand in my current state of wellness and for that I am so thankful. In the past year, conflicting emotions run through me as God has finally given me a seemingly ordinary life. Ever feel conflicted?
What's conflicting about that you ask? I find that I am not quite normal and I am not quite a Lymie. I'm in Lymie limbo so to speak. This time of wellness is difficult because most of my friends were in Lyme treatment well before I started treatment and they are still very sick. Some of them are even sicker now than they were then. They call me lucky, blessed and normal. I feel lucky and blessed, but I definitely do not feel normal.
I feel like my body is the game of Jenga. We're taking pieces from the base and adding them to the top. Each part we pull may or may not be a load-bearing piece. If the wrong component is pulled, I fear that my body will just come crashing down. It is very important to be careful with every single piece and use caution with every move. My inner soul is aching because I don't feel part of my most inner circle anymore. Even though it is probably not true, I think that my Lyme friends feel as if I can't understand what they are going through because I am well.
On the other hand, it is hard to live a normal life because I have lived the Lyme life for so long. There was a point in 2008 where I was at my doctor's office nearly every day. I was getting IV's, picking up supplements, picking up IV things for home or having an office visit. There are still remnants from that time in my home. I still have an IV pole, specialized PICC line dressings, even the PICC line itself, heparin and saline solutions. The list of what I have from that time in my life goes on and on. Sometimes I just want to throw it all away or give it to others that need it, but then I want reminders of just how far I have come. I need to know how abnormal I was to know how normal I am now.
The other conflicting role is that I became proficient at hiding my physical pains and ailments. I became so good at adapting that sometimes these ailments are hidden from even me. When I finally do complain a bit about a pain here or there, I get a lecture from my friends about how I need to be back in treatment. I immediately think hateful thoughts towards the spiral bacteria that ruined my life. Then approximately ten seconds later, I pick myself up by the bootstraps. I finally have an immune system and my body is finally doing what it needs to do.
But I still feel conflicted. I am a Lymie that can't be normal and feels somewhat ousted by the Lyme community since I am not complaining about ailments I do have. The "normal" don't desire me to be around when I do complain about my weaknesses and those with Lyme Disease don't want me because I am somewhat normal. Yes, I know that this is all a falsehood created by my own imagination, but it feels somewhat true. Are there others that feel like this too?
