Between You and Your Spouse
Maintaining Your Marriage in the Midst of Suffering, Part Four
by Linnette R. Mullin
The institution of marriage is a beautiful thing when it is honored. After God brought all the creatures to Adam to be named, Adam realized they all had companions, but he had none. He was alone.
God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18, ESV)
Imagine Adam's relief when God presented Eve. His response to her attests to the fact that men don't like to be alone. "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." (Genesis 2:23 ESV, emphasis added)
In response to this, God said, "therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." (Genesis 2: 24-25 ESV)
I puzzled over "they shall become one flesh" for many years. With the divorce rate so high even within the church, this oneness meant for marriage is rarely observed. The physical act of coming together is an obvious given, but I felt there had to be more to it than just physical attraction and fluttery feelings. I just couldn't grasp what.
A heart-rending episode over the summer gave me some light on the subject, however. It was one of those "here we go again!" kind of tiffs that triggered a wall of silence. My husband and I went to bed that night speaking only enough to function in the care of our children. However, I couldn't sleep. I laid there trying to not cry, but to no avail. I was in emotional pain. Tossing and turning, in and out of bed, I spent the night in agony until I finally cried myself to sleep.
When the alarm went off, my husband got in the shower and readied for work. I expected he would leave without a word and my heart was breaking. We rarely ever fight, but when we do the emotional pain is traumatic. Just as I thought he was walking out the door he put his arms around me and held me close. I cried and told him all the things warring in my heart and he listened.
I said, "It kills me when I'm emotionally separated from you."
He said, "Me, too."
And there you have it. It wasn't what he said so much as the way he said it. I caught a glimpse into his heart and knew he understood my emotional pain because he felt it, too. In that moment I realized what it meant to "be one." Engulfed in his arms, I could almost see an invisible, unbreakable cord weaving in and out, between and around us - binding us together. God stitched us together with His cord of love in such a way that even when we are apart, we are always together. I knew at that moment that we were going to be ok. Apart from death, nothing would separate us. Peace settled in my soul
Reality check? Yes, there will be more disagreements. No, things aren't going to be all rosy. There is no such thing as euphoria in this world. But, while trials persist, they would not prevail.
The institution of marriage has been under attack from man's first breath and Satan will not rest. He is relentless. He will use whatever means he can to destroy God's people including destroying families. We need to keep this at the forefront of our minds when we go through marital struggles.
Aside from God's abundant mercy and grace, here are some helpful tips on how to fight back.
1) Discover effective modes of communication - scrutinize how you communicate with your spouse and strive to replace bad habits with good ones. For example, speaking when angry is usually the worst time for discussion. Sometimes it's the issue itself that stirs anger, so explore ways of communication that create the least amount of provocation. For example, you might find emails, texts, or letters to be safe modes. Find what works best for you in your situation.
2) Develop a strong sense of understanding - every family member whether ill or not struggles with the same internal battles, just from a different perspective…fear, guilt, disillusionment, frustration, depression, anger, bitterness, humiliation, helplessness, loneliness, and so on. Coach yourself to think from your spouse's perspective as much as possible.
3) Expect ugly moments - growth and change don't always look pretty. So many times we and our spouses have to go through a difficult trial before we learn what needs to be learned. There may even be temperament issues during the process because we tend to react the most when conviction is the heaviest. These are not moments for worry or giving up, but for prayer.
4) Learn patience - be patient with yourself and your spouse as neither of you are perfect and sanctification is often a slow go. Don't try to change your spouse; you'll only make things worse. Focus on changing yourself and pray for God to work on him or her. Since we all grow at different rates, be patient when you "get it" but your spouse doesn't or visa-versa. Remind yourself often that God is the only one who can change hearts.
5) Recognize improvements and be thankful - the slightest improvement is good. Even though it often feels like one step forward and two steps back, be thankful. Recognize each step forward for what it is and don't take any of them for granted.
6) Persevere - don't give up no matter how hard things get, no matter how much you think the other person wants to. Saving your marriage really is worth the effort.
7) Enjoy the moments - relish those special moments when all seems right with your world, no matter how small they may seem. They may be few and farther apart than we would like, but you will be amazed how the more you recognize and cherish them, the more numerous they grow.
I didn't go into my marriage knowing these things. I've learned them along the way. So, be encouraged! If you find yourself struggling in your marriage, don't believe the lie that it's too late for you. God makes all things beautiful in time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) He has an amazing way of working in people's hearts. It's not too late to turn your life and your marriage around. Trust God, for "I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
(ESV).
